Best Quotes from Chelsea Handler

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

Chelsea Handler

Everything isn’t permanent, so don’t pretend that it is. Everything’s supposed to move and shift.

Chelsea Handler

I think pregnancy is a huge responsibility.

Chelsea Handler

I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don’t think I’m ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I’m fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it’s not the eye of the hurricane for me.

Chelsea Handler

I’m a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don’t try to fight it. It’s proven very well for me.

Chelsea Handler

We’re seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ and some of these other shows are more racist. Or ’16 and Pregnant.’ Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious?

Chelsea Handler

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They’re, like, scared of them. I have the opposite – I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, ‘Come here, you little nugget. Who’s your mommy now?’ So cute!

Chelsea Handler

I’ve always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I’d be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.

Chelsea Handler

You can’t have friendships that aren’t based on realness.

Chelsea Handler

I’m a late-night host that doesn’t want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.

Chelsea Handler

I’m a late-night host that doesn’t want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.

Chelsea Handler

I’m very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Chelsea Handler

You can’t fast-forward heartbreak, and you can’t rewind love – and that’s just one big bummer.

Chelsea Handler

I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them.

Chelsea Handler

I don’t think I’m a good host. I’m not a good host. I’m terrible at hosting. That’s my problem.

Chelsea Handler

Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.

Chelsea Handler

If you’re really looking to hurt somebody’s feelings, just break up with them.

Chelsea Handler

I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, ‘What if I don’t make it? What if I’m still waiting tables when I’m 35?’ I was just at the end of my rope. But I’ve been at the end of that rope several times.

Chelsea Handler

I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn’t born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that’s how my breakups tend to play out.

Chelsea Handler

I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard’s summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.

Chelsea Handler

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking – especially her. They’re so strange and charismatic and weird. It’s pretty hard to take your eyes off them.

Chelsea Handler

It’s a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I’ve been living this life for a long time, and I’m over myself.

Chelsea Handler

It’s a pleasure to play my sister because everything I’ve accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

Chelsea Handler

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied – so much so that there were days when I was like, ‘I can’t go to school today.’ I was too scared.

Chelsea Handler

We women have to stick together.

Chelsea Handler

People ask me why I’m so hard on men. It’s because they’ve gotten a really easy ride. And it’s not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.

Chelsea Handler

I’m into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

Chelsea Handler

I didn’t become a comedian to work this hard.

Chelsea Handler

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn’t make any sense.

Chelsea Handler

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you’re talking about Britney Spears over and over, it’s very hard to keep that interesting.

Chelsea Handler

There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I’m unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves are good. I try and embrace all those things. I try and embrace the times where I’m not sure of myself or I’m like, ‘Is this going to work? Is this going to land?’

Chelsea Handler

Every time I had a book come out, I’m like, ‘Is it going to be number one?’

Chelsea Handler

Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.

Chelsea Handler

I don’t pretend to be a great interviewer; I don’t even pretend to be good at my job.

Chelsea Handler

There’s a lot of pretty funny women out there.

Chelsea Handler

I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.

Chelsea Handler

You look at, like, a ‘People’ magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn’t like a ‘Star’ or an ‘US Weekly’ and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it’s obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it?

Chelsea Handler

Have you ever been sued by a midget? It’s not fun.

Chelsea Handler

It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.

Chelsea Handler

I’ve always been exactly who I am on TV. I’m not playing a role.

Chelsea Handler

I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.

Chelsea Handler

Jews are underdogs – not in my world, obviously, they’re not.

Chelsea Handler

I encourage interoffice romance.

Chelsea Handler

That’s my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.

Chelsea Handler

I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I’m really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.

Chelsea Handler

I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That’s amazing.

Chelsea Handler

If you’re a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don’t.

Chelsea Handler

I was the youngest of six kids, and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was, like, in a close age range – she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser.

Chelsea Handler

You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I’m the opposite of my parents.

Chelsea Handler

MTV is known for their huge budget.

Chelsea Handler

I’m not superstitious at all. I’m not a Russian.

Chelsea Handler

I’m a standup comedian, so I need people.

Chelsea Handler

I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.

Chelsea Handler